These are jokes tha I received from friends
MANAGEMENT LESSON Tree:
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, some people remarked, "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding." The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey." The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall
asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
" Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop,and you see three people waiting for the bus:
An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired! (Out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. I love this; I may actually use it sometime for an interview situation.
DID HE SAY?
forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
Don Juan calls work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know Don Juan, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Don Juan calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
am your Doctor. sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem.
Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right.
ATHEIST WALKING THROUGH THE WOODS
"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge toward him.
ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that
tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again,
and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically
At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," the voice said.
light went out.
then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws together, bowed
its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to
receive, I am truly thankful
LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE BET
THE TWO WOLVES:
He said, "My son, it is between two wolves.
One is filled with fear, resentment, anger, envy, sorrow,
The other is filled with joy, peace, play, gratitude,
The grandson thought about this for a moment and then
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one I feed."
-- Author Unknown --
(Are you feeding both?)
Which wolf do you want to feed?
Decide which you want to feed and focus on that.
In a follow-up story, she returned to Kuwait recently and observed that men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the Kuwaiti women and said, "This is marvellous! Can you tell the free world just what it was that enabled women here to achieve this total reversal of roles in a comparatively short period of time?
The woman replied, "Land mines."
THE WAY IT IS:
A young boy goes to his father and asks, "What is politics?" His dad says,
"Well, son, let me explain it this way...I am the breadwinner of the
family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she is the administrator of
the household, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of
you, so we'll call you the People. The nanny works hard all day for little
money, so we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother
call him the Future. "Now think about that, son, and see if it makes any
So the boy thinks about it as he is going to sleep.
In the middle of the
So he goes to his parents' room and finds his mother
is sound asleep. Not
Next morning he tells his father that he thinks he understands
The young boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism
is screwing the
THE WEAKEST LINK
Here is a very simple little test comprising of four questions to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting time. And no cheating.
Marks set.... GO!!!
1: You are competing in a race, and overtake the runner lying in second place. In which position are you now?
Answer: If you answered that you're now coming first then you're completely wrong. You overtook the second runner and took their place; therefore you're coming second.
For the next question try not to be so dim.
2: If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?
Answer: If you answered second-last, once again you're completely wrong. Think about it...How can you over take the person coming last? If you're behind them then they can't be last. The answer is impossible!! It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points. You would make a good weak link!!!
Anyway, here's another to try, don't take any notes
or use a calculator, and remember your replies must be instantaneous.
3: Take 1000. Add 40.
Answer: 5000??? Wrong again!!!! The correct answer is
4100. Try again with a good calculator. Today is clearly not your
4: Marie's father has five daughters:
Question: What is the fifth daughter's name?
Think quickly...you'll find the answer below...
Answer: Chuchu??? WRONG! It's obviously Marie! Read the question properly!
You are clearly the weakest link.... GOODBYE
A guy is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts him.
'Could you fix the Fridge door? It won't close properly.'
'Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Zanussi
written on my forehead? I don't think so.'
'Does it look like I've got Ronseal written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!' So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours.
When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.
'Honey, how'd this all get fixed?'
'Well' she says, 'when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice and very handsome young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him cake OR have sex with him.'
'So, what kind of cake did you bake him?' he asked.