Jokes

These are jokes tha I received from friends

MANAGEMENT LESSON ONE:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. T he next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there



MANAGEMENT LESSON TWO:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While the bird was lying there, a cow came by
and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung,
it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay
there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the
bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the
bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you i s your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!


MANAGEMENT LESSON Tree:
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along, some people remarked, "it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding." The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey! Now they passed some people that shamed them saying "how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey." The boy and man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
Management Lesson:
If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass.


Sherlock Holmes and Dr.Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall
asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
" Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Watson ponders for a minute.
"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.

Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you?" Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks.

"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."



FOOD FOR THOUGHT
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop,and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car.

Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.

The candidate who was hired! (Out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. I love this; I may actually use it sometime for an interview situation.

WHAT DID HE SAY?
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."

Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
[Author - Unknown]



Don Juan calls work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You know Don Juan, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Don Juan calls again, "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."


"I am your Doctor. sorry to inform you that you have a brain problem. Your brain is in 2 parts... Left and right.
The left part has nothing right in it, and the right has nothing left in it"


AN ATHEIST WALKING THROUGH THE WOODS
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the accident of evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge toward him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically
and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear, right on top of him: reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God!...."

Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and, even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light: "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"Very well," the voice said.

The light went out.
The river ran again.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws together, bowed its head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful


A LITTLE OLD LADY AND THE BET
A little old lady went into the Bank of America one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.
They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets."
The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."
"Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet."
The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?"
"Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady says, "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"
"Sure," says the president.
That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.
The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this.
The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.
"Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."
Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady, "What is wrong with your lawyer?"
She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of America's president's balls in my hands!"


THE TWO WOLVES:
One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that was
going on inside him self.

He said, "My son, it is between two wolves.

One is filled with fear, resentment, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed,
self-pity, guilt, frustration, conceit, jealousy, inferiority, lies, false
pride, superiority and ego.

The other is filled with joy, peace, play, gratitude, passion, enthusiasm,
wonder, curiosity, hope, contentment, love, humility, kindness, trust,
focus, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

The grandson thought about this for a moment and then asked, "Grandfather,
which wolf wins?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one I feed."

-- Author Unknown --

Consider:
Which wolf are you feeding in your work and life?

(Are you feeding both?)

Which wolf do you want to feed?

Decide which you want to feed and focus on that.



FANCY DRESS:
>A man with a baldhead and a wooden leg has been invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem.
>A few days later he receives a parcel with a note, "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.
> The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate".
>The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
> A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note which says, "Dear Sir, Sorry about our previous suggestion, please find enclosed a monk's
> habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg, and, with your bald head you will really look the part".
>
> Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to emphasising his baldhead and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of complaint.
>
> The next day he receives a small parcel and a note, which reads, "Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of golden syrup. Pour the tin of golden syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your
*rse and go as a toffee apple."


KUWAIT:
TV anchorwoman Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

In a follow-up story, she returned to Kuwait recently and observed that men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the Kuwaiti women and said, "This is marvellous! Can you tell the free world just what it was that enabled women here to achieve this total reversal of roles in a comparatively short period of time?

The woman replied, "Land mines."



THE WAY IT IS:
A young boy goes to his father and asks, "What is politics?" His dad says,
"Well, son, let me explain it this way...I am the breadwinner of the
family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she is the administrator of
the household, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of
you, so we'll call you the People. The nanny works hard all day for little
money, so we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother
we'll
call him the Future. "Now think about that, son, and see if it makes any
sense."

So the boy thinks about it as he is going to sleep. In the middle of the
night he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to see what is
wrong.
He finds the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So he goes to his parents' room and finds his mother is sound asleep. Not
wanting to wake her he goes to the nanny's room, but the door is
locked. Peeping through the keyhole he sees his dad in bed with the nanny,
so he gives up and goes back to bed.

Next morning he tells his father that he thinks he understands the concept
of politics. "Really?" says his dad, "That was quick. Tell me in your own
words what you think politics is about."

The young boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being
ignored, and the Future is in deep shit."



THE WEAKEST LINK
Here is a very simple little test comprising of four questions to determine the level of your intellect. Your replies must be spontaneous and immediate, with no deliberating or wasting time. And no cheating.

Marks set.... GO!!!

1: You are competing in a race, and overtake the runner lying in second place. In which position are you now?

Answer: If you answered that you're now coming first then you're completely wrong. You overtook the second runner and took their place; therefore you're coming second.

For the next question try not to be so dim.

2: If you overtake the last runner, what position are you now in?

Answer: If you answered second-last, once again you're completely wrong. Think about it...How can you over take the person coming last? If you're behind them then they can't be last. The answer is impossible!! It would appear that thinking is not one of your strong points. You would make a good weak link!!!

Anyway, here's another to try, don't take any notes or use a calculator, and remember your replies must be instantaneous.
Take heart!! (That was the dictionary's suggestion)

3: Take 1000. Add 40.
Add another 1000.
Add 30. 1000 again.
Plus 20. Plus 1000.
And plus 10.
What is the total?

Answer: 5000??? Wrong again!!!! The correct answer is 4100. Try again with a good calculator. Today is clearly not your day!!
Although you should manage to get the last question right...

4: Marie's father has five daughters:
1. Chacha
2. Cheche
3. Chichi
4. Chocho
5. ????

Question: What is the fifth daughter's name?

Think quickly...you'll find the answer below...

Answer: Chuchu??? WRONG! It's obviously Marie! Read the question properly!

You are clearly the weakest link.... GOODBYE



A guy is at home watching the football, when his wife interrupts him.
'Could you fix the Fridge door? It won't close properly.'

'Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Zanussi written on my forehead? I don't think so.'
'Fine!' she says, 'Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break.'

'Does it look like I've got Ronseal written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of this, I'm going to the pub!' So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours.

When he arrives home, he notices that the steps are fixed. He goes to the fridge to get a beer and notices that the fridge door is also fixed.

'Honey, how'd this all get fixed?'

'Well' she says, 'when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice and very handsome young man asked me what was wrong, so I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was bake him cake OR have sex with him.'

'So, what kind of cake did you bake him?' he asked.

She replied:
'HELLO!!?... Do you see Mr. Kipling written on my forehead?
I don't think so!'

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